I have been trying to write to you for the past two weeks and can't seem to come up with a single scrap of interesting material.
I'm really sorry.
The older I get, the less I seem to want to share with other people. I can't tell if that is a result of maturation in that I don't feel the need to be heard or sympathized with any more, or if it is a result of depression and self-defeat in that I don't feel like any of my life is worth sharing anymore.
To be honest with you, I'm a little bit scared about the future. I am scared in ways I never thought I would be. I'm afraid that I will sell myself short. I'm afraid that soon everything will be over, and I'm also afraid it will never start. I'm afraid that I will never be satisfied. I'm afraid I'll be alone in my head forever. I'm afraid the opinions of others will be allowed to run my life, and I'm afraid NOT to let them.
I'm afraid of how dumb all this sounds, and how you'll probably get to the end of this post and be like, "God, what a retard."
But I just want you to know that I actually AM really tired of censoring myself for other people so I can control what they think of me. Its so flipping hard sometimes! And I'm doing okay at it right now, but I don't know how long I can hold out. So be prepared. There might be a little explosion on the horizon.
Right now, though, I just seem to be waiting.
3 comments:
I shall wait patiently for said explosion and look forward to it. I miss you!!!
every time you sell yourself short an angel gets its wings
Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling. Who's frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. That feeling is a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day. Someone or something will find you and make it all okay. ....Because we all need a little help sometimes.....Someone to help us hear the music in the world, to remind us that it won't always be this way.
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