Sadly, despite my system flush, and attempt to rid myself of unnecessary stressers, I have added stressers that have little to do with my social life.
A week and a half ago I decided to plan a trip to Aalborg, Denmark, through Germany, and finally to Paris, France where I would attend a french rap concert featuring La Fouine. La Fouine, as you may know, is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE french rap artist in the world.
And I do love french rap, probably too much. I love it even when its inappropriate, because I wouldn't know. I love the way it sounds, all tough and delicate at the same time. I love that it's cheesy and fun. Its sense of humor is always a bright spot to my day.
I had been enjoying my time back at the only Temp job for the company I love and would die to work for.
I had been enjoying English Outreach classes on Sundays, classes I volunteered to teach, but hadn't yet.
I was looking forward to my presentation at work.
Then things got hairy.
My friend in Aalborg informed me that he cannot travel outside of the Sweeden-Norway-Denmark region because he is living in Denmark on asylum and recieves assistance from the government. Upon hearing this news, I angrily calculated that I had already spent around 400 dollars in preparation for the trip and the concert.
"You can still come to Aalborg!" he said. "We'll do some fun stuff here in Denmark! It is beautiful. You're gonna love it!"
But I was mad. I was really, really mad. To be honest, here he was thinking the trip was about spending time with him, when it was really about spending time with EUROPE. I wanted the trip for ME, not for him. I wanted to be romanced by the location, not the person I was visiting. I never officially cried, but when I got into my car after reading his email, and La Fouine came on my cd player, I might have shed a single tear.
My trip to Europe was put on hold indefinitely. I was extremely disappoined in myself, in my Danish friend, and in my helplessness to travel alone. I just didn't think I could do it. It had crossed my mind to attend the concert alone, but I was terrified of being stoned by angry Frenchmen.
Two nervewracking events soon occurred in quick succession.
I taught the Advanced class at English Outreach.
I gave my presentation at work and shocked everybody with my old Forensic skills.
A couple days later I was approached about a position that might be opening up at a high end bank. I jumped on it, scored the interview, and three days later, during the interview, was offered a job. The thing is, I don't really want to leave my current position at all. But I need a career, not just a place holder, and I need medical insurance.
Sigh...
I haven't had a good nights sleep in almost a week. I continually grind my teeth and dream about strange things like driving in the dark without any headlights, which seems oddly symbolic.
Slowly, and with much chagrin, I spitefully told the Danish dumbo that I would NOT be coming to Aalborg to stay with someone who hadn't even figured out his own legal status. I called France Billet in Paris using the $6 credit on my prepaid phone account to stay on hold for over two minutes and beg the CSR to help me in English sil vout plait! Canceling the tickets and retreiving my 110 dollars was a weight off my shoulders.
Still crushing me, however, was the job decision.
As of about one hour ago, I have officially chosen the bank.
Still. I am sad. The whole situation is a catch 22 of sadness. Sad if you don't go, sad if you do.
CHANGE, my friends, is the word of the day.
I can still remember my first few days of fourth grade. I hated it. I had no friends. I cried upon asking someone where my classroom was. I had to ride the bus for the first time. It was awful.
I can remember waking up and putting on the kitty cat sweater with little red button eyes, and sitting down with a bowl of Captain Crunch in front of the living room tv. I dreaded the bus like nobody's business. I HATED it. But Sesame Street was on. I remembered Sesame Street from when I was in Kindergarten and first grade. In fourth grade, everything was harder.
A song came on the episode of Sesame Street, and I have never forgotten it.
"Things are always changing. So don't be sad and blue. Change can make you happy; it can bring you something new."
I never forgot that song, and I sang it as a mantra, along with a couple poems I had memorized, just to calm myself down sometimes on the bus.
Things ARE always changing. How right you are, Sesame Street. How right you are...
No comments:
Post a Comment