I am the most scared when I feel disconnected to everyone else. God included. I don't even know what triggers it, but it feels like I'm spiraling. I'll open a book, or I'll hear some phrase in casual conversation, or I'll look down at my plate a dinner, and something about the mashed potatoes unleashes this sucking beast inside me. And I'll seriously feel like I'm falling falling falling and I'm cold and uncomfortable, exposed. Like I've walked straight into Bambie's meadow and I can't get out.
And I think, oh god. And there are a thousand knives in my stomach. And I just want to cuddle up to something warm. My mom maybe? I want to cry out, in the same way you do when the roller coaster starts to be more scary than fun. Like I'm on Holden Caufield's carousel and its spun out of control. I'm clutching the ground, and in reality there is no carousel. There is only the dining room floor. And if I clutch at it and scream, people will think I'm crazy and I'll still be spinning on the inside. No one can stop it. No one but me. No one can even see it, but me.
I hope I’m not the only one who ever feels this way.
2 comments:
I've suffered occasions of being disconnected to everyone else. This feeling that I don't belong where I am or some secret embarrassment that I haven't achieved what I truly want out of life. Once I tried to change my lifestyle only to end up feeling horrible because I felt like a fraud.
I love my family and friends, but I know that if given the resources I could leave everything behind to pursue my life elsewhere. You may find it funny, but sometimes I just wish I'd hurry up and meet the person I'm supposed to end up with in life. We'd just live a life doing what we want completely different than the lives we used to have. Basically, I'm kind of pissed that change happens too slowly.
I hate changes altogether. And I hate when things stay the same, too. I'm a walking, talking mixed up juxtaposition.
...and I'm in a bad mood today. Ha.
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