Weird Decisions

Jason Murphy was in a play with me when I was in college. I can't remember how or why we started flirting. But I know I was dating someone else at the time. This, of course, seemed an unfortunate fact that meant virtually nothing to me then, as I continually talked to Jason after play practice and continually neglected to mention that I was dating anyone at all.

What I do remember is that Matt Elliston was in the play with me as well, and was the lead, and did that very well, and didn't much make a single blip on my radar at that point. It would be another year before that came to be. 

But about the play. Yes. There was a moderate amount of flirting going on during rehearsals, mostly involving him prattling on and on in his conservative wisdom. This was indeed during the 04 elections. I cringed at every word. However, a week before the play opened I suppose I overlooked his obvious character flaws (what with being on the enemy team and all) and we ended up having our own kinds of rehearsals on the second floor of the business building where there were some conveniently hidden couches. 

We made out for much longer than I would have patience for now. I sold my personality, but nothing really came of it. Not because he didn't want me, but probably because I didn't want him. Maybe because he was a virgin in more ways than one. Because he had college debts and no direction in life. Because he was a singer who was just a little overconfident about his choir experiences to turn me on. And because I felt like I could do better than him. Because kissing him was like walking into a stuffy room with no air conditioning. It was warm, and musty, and slightly uncomfortable. Safe. Benign. Inconsequential. Dull.

And looking back on that now I know that unlike Matt Elliston, he didn't feel spurned. He threw me off the same way. Our connection was hush-hush and when he started dating a girl named Angela who was practically a midget even by my standards, I didn't miss him. 

He married Angela, and one day I saw her buying Frontline at the pet store I worked at during the summer. I called her on marrying Jason Murphy but didn't mention the part where I had had my tongue down his throat and he with short quick breaths had pressed his weight into me so that I fell backwards into a paneled wall once in an elevator. I knew she had no idea. Though maybe she did in another sense, right?

And now I think maybe it's these early, near misses that shaped the relationship-me. I forget about them, but there I was at the time inching my way along, decision after weird decision. Because I now think that was pretty stupid, don't you? Fleeting and fun, perhaps. But it doesn't exactly enhance my romantic resume. Thank god for mutability.