But I Love Me More

"Five hundred dollars!?"
"Thats actually less than I thought it was going to be."
"Five hundred dollars..."
"For the cracked wheel, and two new tires. We also have no idea about the rotars yet, but we'll check it out when we get in there."
"Five hundred dollars..."

Outside the service station I went digging through my glove compartment. I was trying to find the receipt from when I had my brakes done almost this exact same time last year. I pulled out all sorts of random things. I found a thick receipt from a prescription that was a year old. I found two plastic packages of "new car" scented Little Trees. I found the ipod radio jack I'd been looking for. And I found three photos of Daniel Castillo.

I knew what they were before I touched them. I squeezed my eyes shut for the tiniest second before looking down at them. They were my favorites from the trip to the beach we took. He looked so happy. He looked like a cute little boy who just happened to have abs and caramel colored skin. His hair was shiny from the sea water, and he was looking at me with his hands up, like "I don't know!?" In the next picture he was grinning, looking down, digging something in the sand. His teeth were small and white between his pink lips. I couldn't see it, but I knew there was a freckle right there on his upper lip. In the last one, he was silhouetted against the setting sun, standing in the ocean, a row of vacation houses behind him. I couldn't see his face very well. He had these crazy sunglasses on we had bought at Walgreens one time. They made him look like a rockstar. Like Daddy Yankee. I flipped back to the "I don't know!?" one.
"I was never good enough for you," I said to his picture.
"I don't know!?" he stared back at me, covered in sea water.
"Thats right, you don't know. You never knew. You had no idea who I was." I suddenly wanted to cry. "And I'm so sorry that you never got to meet me. I'm so sorry I couldn't be what you wanted."

I never had to dress up to be with him. I could come out wearing shorts and a t-shirt that was too small and made me look incredibly fat, and he would tell me how beautiful I was.

Why is life so unfair? Why is insecurity so cruel?

I remembered, suddenly, the way back from the beach. I remembered the resturant we went to, and how he told me that I was flirting with the waiter and to never do that in front of him again. I remembered the next couple weeks, during which he found a number in my cell phone that was unnamed, and how he accused me of cheating and talking to other guys, when in reality, the number was one I had called inquiring about an apartment I had seen for rent. Daniel's family had been trying to move and I had wanted to help.

"I don't understand why you say I can't trust you. I trust you!"
"No, Daniel, you don't. If you did you wouldn't be doing this. And if you don't trust me, you don't really love me."
"No! Its not that way! Why are you so mad? Every time! Every time, you doing this!"
"Because it never changes!"
"I think, en realidad, you do not love me. You always making these little problems, and you don't want to fix this."
"There's nothing to fix! I'm not the one that needs fixing!"
"I know now. I know! You no love me!"
"I do love you, Daniel! I love you so much! ... but I love me more... I have to love me more..."

"Yeah its going to be about five hundred dollars. I'm going to have to call you when the wheel comes in, cause we gotta get it shipped up here. It'll probably come tomorrow."
The mechanic was right in my window.
"Here, I found the receipt from the brakes," I said. I handed it to him from behind Daniel's pictures.
"All right. Lets see what we got here." He took the receipt inside the office, and I sat there, looking at the three pictures, my mind blank.

I wanted to throw them away. But I just couldn't.